Guilt Trip

By mid April I was about ready to burst with anxiety and frustration about what to do the following year, and teaching was becoming a chore. I desperately needed a break, but apparently the Shenzhen Education Bureau didn’t think so. Usually there is a seven day school holiday in May, but this year they decided the three day weekend break for the Tomb Sweeping holiday (day to honor the dead by visiting their tombs) in early April was enough of a break. Of course, true to Chinese “nowism” they decided to tell us this in April. So, the seven day holiday I had been counting on to get me through the second semester had vanished. It was cruel, like eliminating the one water stop for the second half of a marathon, and I took out my frustration by making my own water stop out of thin air.

I told my contact teacher that I had a “friend from home” visiting Shanghai, and it would mean a lot to me if I could go and visit her. This “friend” happened to be another teacher in CTLC named Kate and we were secretly planning our own May break to Shanghai. My contact teacher, Elli, had mentioned to me earlier in the year that if family visited China, I might be able to get some time off to spend with them. I just couldn’t make myself lie that much and tell her that actual family was coming. The lie seemed a little whiter if I said “friend” since Kate is indeed my friend. After all, it was not the school’s fault that none of us got a break in May. It was the Education Bureau’s fault.

Wise one that she is, Elli took it upon herself to add a little grey to my white lie, and she told the principal that I had family visiting Shanghai. She was afraid a “friend” wasn’t a good enough reason, so she decided “family” might work better. She was right! With the principal’s permission, I rearranged my classes and soon had the prospect of a Tuesday through a Sunday to visit Shanghai. I felt a little guilty conjuring this lie out of nothing, and getting almost a week off while my fellow Chinese teachers had to keep on working. It was hard being the weird foreigner all the time, but this was one of those times that it paid off.

During this period of deception, I also made another decision that I felt guilty about. I had decided to reapply to return to Shenzhen the next year even though I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I received my acceptance letter in mid-April. By that time, however, I was home sick, frustrated with learning Chinese, and jaded with teaching. A couple hours after being accepted, I sent an email back to the head of the program thanking him for his consideration but politely rejecting the position. That day I found out that my friend Kate—the same Kate that was planning a trip to Shanghai with me—had been rejected, and she actually wanted to return. She assured me that she didn’t blame me, and that everything would be okay. She would find another job in China or work in the United States. To prove it to me, she suggested we go out and celebrate her rejection with some beer at one of our favorite hang outs—a mall with a nice bar street called CoCo park. So after drinking a couple beers, talking about our upcoming trip, and hanging out with some fun Chinese friends, we were both in a good mood again and ready for the rest of the year…and Shanghai.

Above: Kate, me, owner of the bar, and Wei, a friend of Kate's.